Saturday, May 9, 2015

Rehab Instead of Suicide - What a Decision to Make

Rehab or Suicide

Decisions Decisions

Lately, I have been seriously thinking about committing suicide.  I am almost to the point where I'm ready to set a date to end my life.

I refuse to live the life of a drug addict anymore.  If the only way to stop being an addict is to die, then I am ready to die.

What scares me the most is that it feels like a strong resolve.   I am totally serious.  I have felt this strong resolve in the past and I usually got what I wanted.

I'm beginning to visualize my corpse laying on my bed and someone coming inside the room to discover my body.

Don't overlook the melodrama because you are playing a part.   

It is different this time.  

In the past, when I thought of committing suicide, I'd laugh it off because I knew that I could not do it. It was not something that I would do.

When I think of suicide now... I am thinking that I CAN do it, my thoughts are that it is something I CAN do.  I can actually carry it out.  I have overcome the fear of death, in fact, I welcome death.

I made a decision long ago to kill myself if there ever came a time when I could not get off drugs. I never want to be a crazy homeless person again. I refuse to live that way and I do not want to get old.  So, by committing suicide, I am actually solving two problems at once.

I am sure that suicide is the easiest way out of my problems because when I die, all of my problems die with me. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing was ever that important because everything was freely given to me.

I was loved by many people and didn't even know it.  I didn't have a clue how important I was to other people.

I am so tired being at my addiction's beck and call.  Addiction doesn't know anything about morals or right and wrong. It just doesn't care about anything but getting high.

It is so powerful!

It controls me completely. When I use drugs my  only priority in life is to make sure my addiction is happy.  

It is the only thing that matters regardless of what has to happen.

No matter how I have to behave or

what I have to do,

if I have a craving for drugs.

I WILL get a fix.

The funny part is that the addiction is trying to kill me.  And I allow it.   I pay for it. I search it out and encourage it.

It's been trying to kill me for more than three decades. I've had so many head injuries that I get really bad migraine  headaches a few times a week. And I have been in and out of jails and prisons so many times, I think I am institutionalized.  I think I am institutionalized because I cannot take care of myself on any level.

I'm not going to let my addiction kill me. I have one fight left.


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