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Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Email I sent to my Case Manager Mary Beth at the Community Living Fund

Hi Mary Beth,

I forgot to mention in my last email that I don't want to end services with CLF.  As usual, you are right and I have to break this pattern of ending relationships quickly.

As hard as it is for me, I still want you to be my case manager.  Let's meet for a couple minutes at the end of the month.  I think I'll feel comfortable with that.  Please don't expect too much conversation from me.  And don't expect to meet for more than five minutes.

And please try to remember that I have mental health issues.  I repeat myself because I don't remember what I told someone and I have very low self-esteem.  On top of that I relapsed and the drugs really change the way I think about people.  I become embarrassed to talk to 'straight' people and I just want to be left alone.  I have three days clean and I am still going to outpatient.

Part of my reasoning for wanting to end services was because I know you are getting tired of me and my stupid ideas.  Every one gets tired of me eventually so I'm used to it and I don't blame you or think bad of you in any way.

Sometimes I feel like you are judging me the way you look at my dirty clothes or dirty socks.  But hey, that's the way you are and I accept you like that.

I'm still not used to having a place to live or doing laundry.  In fact, I haven't done laundry since I moved into the Tropica!  I wash my stuff in the bath tub when I get disgusted with myself for wearing dirty clothes.  Please try to remember that I was homeless for nine years and I often wore the same clothes for weeks at a time.

Change comes very slow for me.

I know you are only trying to help me when you suggest things.  I get stuck half the time and I don't know how to deal with problems.  Since Open Hand cut my food allotment I am hungry a lot.  Yet I don't go to the food banks to get food and fix the problem.  I just lay in bed and starve.  I've lost a lot of weight so don't be surprised when you see me.