Monday, March 23, 2015

At Out Patient Drug Program Learning a Lot

Hello!  I am currently at my out patient treatment program.  I've been coming here for about a month or more and I'm really learning a lot.  We have groups and they give us bus tokens so we can get on the bus to get here every day.

I've been coming here 2 or 3 times a week, but I think I may start coming every day.  Or at least four times a week.  We just had a great class on Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  We learned to let go of the 'all or nothing' way of thinking which is common to drug addicts.

Instead of thinking 'all or nothing' we can look at an issue from different points of view.  DBT also teaches us that it's okay to have two separate competing thoughts.  For example, if a friend invites us to a party but we're not comfortable around new people we may have competing thoughts such as, 'I'd rather stay home in my comfort zone' and 'I really want to go to this party to have some fun'.  Using DBT in this instance can lead us to compromise.  We can decide to go to the party for only one hour then go back home to our comfort zone.

The counselors here are very good.  Most of them anyway.  There is one that talks about things that aren't related to recovery.  He talks about whatever comes to his mind just to pass an hour.  Last week we talked about the war in Vietnam.

At any rate, I'm glad I'm here and I'm glad I'm sober today.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Email I sent to my Case Manager Mary Beth at the Community Living Fund

Hi Mary Beth,

I forgot to mention in my last email that I don't want to end services with CLF.  As usual, you are right and I have to break this pattern of ending relationships quickly.

As hard as it is for me, I still want you to be my case manager.  Let's meet for a couple minutes at the end of the month.  I think I'll feel comfortable with that.  Please don't expect too much conversation from me.  And don't expect to meet for more than five minutes.

And please try to remember that I have mental health issues.  I repeat myself because I don't remember what I told someone and I have very low self-esteem.  On top of that I relapsed and the drugs really change the way I think about people.  I become embarrassed to talk to 'straight' people and I just want to be left alone.  I have three days clean and I am still going to outpatient.

Part of my reasoning for wanting to end services was because I know you are getting tired of me and my stupid ideas.  Every one gets tired of me eventually so I'm used to it and I don't blame you or think bad of you in any way.

Sometimes I feel like you are judging me the way you look at my dirty clothes or dirty socks.  But hey, that's the way you are and I accept you like that.

I'm still not used to having a place to live or doing laundry.  In fact, I haven't done laundry since I moved into the Tropica!  I wash my stuff in the bath tub when I get disgusted with myself for wearing dirty clothes.  Please try to remember that I was homeless for nine years and I often wore the same clothes for weeks at a time.

Change comes very slow for me.

I know you are only trying to help me when you suggest things.  I get stuck half the time and I don't know how to deal with problems.  Since Open Hand cut my food allotment I am hungry a lot.  Yet I don't go to the food banks to get food and fix the problem.  I just lay in bed and starve.  I've lost a lot of weight so don't be surprised when you see me.

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