Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I Am a Dependent Person

"I am a dependent" is not easy to admit in a blog post that  has the potential to be seen/read by a lot of people.  But unfortunately, that's exactly what I am.. a dependent person.

How did I come to view myself as dependent on other people?

A Facebook friend shared a smiley face picture that looked like a crossword puzzle. There were a lot of letters going in different directions and above the picture were the following words:

"The first word you see describes you".

When I first laid eyes on the picture the first word I saw was 'dependent'. Oh my God! The floodgates opened and my mind raced through events in my life.

Changing My Life Means Depending on Myself

After a lot of thought I realized that yeah, I am a dependent person. I've been dependent on my mother and county jails and prisons to house and feed me for the better part of my adult life. So not only am I a dependent, I'm also institutionalized.

Of course I've worked most of my life, but throughout my twenties and thirties every paycheck I earned was used to buy drugs and alcohol.  My drug addiction was my first, second and third priorities.

After my paycheck earnings vanished, I'd call my mom so she could send money to help me pay rent and buy food.  And when I landed in jail, the county would support me by providing three meals a day and clean clothes as well as a place to live.

I Sometimes Welcomed Incarceration because it Meant a Change from Drugs

Sometimes I welcomed incarceration because I knew I could stay away from drugs and alcohol while I was locked-up.  Inside, I knew I wouldn't go too many days without eating because every county jail has to feed their inmates at least three times a day.  If I worked in the kitchen I'd eat very well and that  allowed me to gain extra weight so I'd have ample reserves to sustain my next run on the streets.

I also dated a woman for more than four years who supported me by paying the rent on my apartment and purchasing groceries so I could eat when I wasn't at her house eating her groceries and drinking her booze.

She was a Godsend.  She saved me from my addiction time and time again by making sure I wasn't homeless and that I had clean clothes to wear to work at the office.

Will the Smiley Face Help Me Create a New Life?

That smiley face with all those words really opened my eyes to the kind of life I've been living.  It's time to change my life for the better.  No more excuses and no more being afraid of success... if that's been my problem.  I'm a very intelligent and capable young man of fifty who has experienced a few successes in life.

I can take care of myself.  I can stop doing meth and have a normal life.

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