Thursday, September 18, 2014

Becoming Upset Over the Little Things and People Who Talk Too Much

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I am becoming upset more easily by staff, and clients who talk too much. There are several people who are in this rehab that simply enjoy talking. The problem is they talk too much! And they never shut up.
Right now as I write this there are two people in the dining room with me and they are talking.  These are two of the people who enjoy talking way too much.

One of them really gets under my skin.  The sound of his voice irritates me and most of us here consider him to be a snitch.  He claims he’s been an IT manager in a corporate environment and that he used to sell meth amphetamine.  He does’t have the personality to be a dope dealer and he certainly doesn’t have the skills to have been a manager in a corporate setting.

I know because I’ve been a supervisor before.  It takes a certain kind of person to be able to supervise other people and he doesn’t have that. Why does he feel that he has to lie to us about his background. We are in a drug rehab facility and we’re all fucked up. If we weren’t messed up we wouldn’t need to be here!
I'm angry.  Leave me alone.


There’s another guy here who claims that he’s a lawyer.  We all know he’s lying but we let him have his imaginary life.  Most of here have been in trouble with the law and we know how a lawyer talks.  I used to date a lawyer and she enjoyed talking in pictures.  Every time she talked she’d try to paint a picture in my head so that I could understand her and grasp what she was saying.

At any rate, I’m no longer angry at the world.  I’m especially not angry at the people here.  The staff are great people.  They are very patient and they have been through what we’re currently going through so they know how to keep us in check.

I wrote the below text in a forum at pyschcentral.com.

I was really going through it these last couple days. Thankfully I knew that it was my addiction talking to me because I am trying to change my life. I saw everything that was bad about this drug program and everything that was bad with the counselor's here.

I was very mean with my counselor and I yelled at the assistant director. I was hopping they'd kick me out. They didn't because I told them a few weeks ago that when I get like that it is my addiction talking.

I was even angry at the woman that's helping me find a place to live when I leave treatment. I even wrote a blog post about it called My Housing Case Manager isn't Doing her Job.

Life can be funny. I am glad that I've learned when my addiction is talking because recently:

My addiction told me:

  • Leave treatment!
  • This place sucks!
  • You don't need these people!
  • These people are idiots!
  • You'll do ok on the streets!

Today I woke up and the world looked totally different. I felt better and I was appreciative that I have a place to live and that I'll soon be graduating this program.

As addicts we have to be careful. We have to learn to recognize when our addiction is talking to us and when it isn't.

I'm glad I stayed here. And I'm glad I'm still sober. I know that I'll be living on the streets again if I ever pick up a crack pipe again. I simply cannot control what happens to me when I smoke crack. It is too powerful. It is too strong.

I GIVE UP! I can't beat crack. I SURRENDER!

I can't control it and I can't control how much money I spend when I smoke the stuff. Crack won. I give up.

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